Time for some honesty...

Well this is what I was going to post the other day when I couldn't. I think the ideas are still in a state of not being very well thought through so bear with it.

I feel that church (my experience of it) isn't what worshipping God is all about. I know there are some inspired ways of worshipping God that are developing but I really don't have time (until I finish my course) to pursue them. I find giving up the majority of Sunday morning invasive and unhelpful. I do find going in the evening when Julian wants me to sing OK but this is usually in conjunction with having been in the morning, which in my head is the waste of a day. I am quite happy with regarding Sunday as a sacrifice for God (ie giving up things I'd rather do to do something I don't particularly want to do) which could be regarded as a form of worship. I don't grumble about it (apart form here but this is about being honest and sorting out the thoughts in my head). But the bottom line is it isn't inspiring me to know about, praise or appreciate God.

My problems are these:
The non-participative nature of a church service You turn up, sit on an uncomfortable chair, stand up when you're told, listen to a guy talk, chit chat at the end. What if when I'm welcomed at the beginning of the service with "We believe that Jesus Christ is the saviour of the world. Let's stand to worship him", and I want to say "Well hang on a minute?" And for some strange reason I have a growing dislike of having to sit or stand. Hmmm. I think also I have disagreed with things being preached recently and then there is no right of reply or clarification but more on that in a minute. I turn up, it's there in front of me, I go home. On occasion a song or a word will bring me close to God but not enough to justify the time I spend there or to carry on that relationship through the week.
The bible as the focus of a service This is something that I'm finding really hard to own up to so go easy on me but I am finding the bible less and less useful as a tool for understanding and worshipping God. Most of this is my own fault. I am reading lots as part of my course and I enjoy to read for pleasure so then I don't particularly want ot read the bible after that. I know that if I made the effort and made space in my day to read it, then it would become a habit and God would speak to me through it which would in turn encourage me to read it more. But actually I don't want to for the reasons I've stated above. Maybe this will change when I have finished the course but I doubt it. I am struggling with certain passages but that's Ok because if it were all laid out on a plate for me it would be too simplistic and wouldn't have enough colour and depth. Difficult passages in themselves aren't necessarily putting me off but I don't really want to read them. I guess it's laziness, not really liking the language, not really enjoying the content, not seeing the point, not having the time or making the time... This leads to:
The sermon Well sermons are usually based around a bible passage and that really isn't a very good place to start for me where I am at the moment. Sometimes the preacher will relate the passage to modern life which is fine. If they are a good preacher then they will have good communication and presentation skills and I suppose whatever they chose to talk about would hold my interest for a certain amount of time. SO is it that I want to listen to someone charismatic (in the secular sense) who will hold my attention about any topic or is it that I specifically want to listen about Paul's 2nd letter to the believers at Corinth? And because services can be so formulaic, we have to have this theme expounded for 20 minutes in order to get our money's worth. I sometimes sit there and think "You made that point at the beginning and you haven't developed it any further. WHy am I still sitting here listening to you?" And this isn't just poor preaching, it's conforming to a tradition. We have 20 minutes to fill: the older congregation like it because it makes them feel secure that they are getting "meaty" teaching, it's just short enough so that the MTV generation will be able to maintain concentration. Any less and the preacher is a little inexperienced and not really up to scratch. Any more and the preacher is just a little too over zealous which we can't have as well.
And then we have the content. Sometimes this is relevant to my life, sometimes I am told a story and how it was relevant in the past, sometimes I am told what the original Greek word was that was used. Fascinating. Fine. But necessary? This is what I'm exploring.
Stand up, sit down song sandwiches I guess this is an issue I have with my church in particular but as I am trying to explain my issues I guess this needs to be in there. Some people have an issue with songs anyway. I am fortunately not one of these people. I find I worship God and can focus on His nature by singing my worship to Him. A single song in isolation is fine. It can mean so much but when we have a yoyo effect of song, words spoke at us, song, amusing "kids" slot, song so kids can go out, sitting down song because it's quieter, prayers, song, preach, song to end, it just becomes a sandwich filler. Songs, I could say more about sung worship but I think this is enough to tell you about my beef with sung worship in services.
Being with people who I don't like, can't relate too and don't include in my life This is a double edged thing! I quite like being in a community with a wide difference in people attending but do I like that for the wrong reasons? I like it because then I can home in on people who I feel comfortable with, people who have similar life experiences as me, people who I can relate too. I haven't discovered yet if this is wrong but I am made to feel as though I should be talking to that man over there. I should be making him feel welcome. I should find out and remember his name. I should know that he has suffered a bereavement and offer him lasting comfort and support. I should invite him to my home and entertain him. I should feel a warm glow of reaching out to someone and showing them the love of Jesus and have that love return to me by benefitting from his wisdom, his offer to babysit and new friendhip from an unexpected source. BUT, I'm shallow. I don't want to talk to him. He scares me. He smells. I don't know what to say to him about his sad loss. There are a million resons and excuses I could make. I know I should talk to him but I don't. I also think that being a friend and maintaining meaningful contact with the friends I have is difficult enough. If I add more people to the "list" of people that I feel guilty about never contacting, what sort of friend am I?
PrayerI find praying to order quite difficult. I guess we all do. In church my mind wanders.
The End of the Service This varies. I often have a series of people I "need" to talk to. I guess this is to avoid having to phone them later. As I rush by this smelly old man or that new lady there I can shut them out resolutely because I know I "have to speak to X". I reach X but they are deep in conversation about not really anything that sounds of any importance. I smile as people pass by, just avoiding enough eye contact that makes them feel they have to stop and chat to me.
Sometimes I have no one I should be speaking to so I either wait to speak to someone who likes my company, make polite conversation with someone sitting nearby or focus on a few people I "should" go and chat too. Sometimes new people or just "new to me" people.
I know this is meant to be hard. In some respects, I enjoy it. But in other respects, when you don't want to be there anyway, this nicely tops off a crappy morning.

Anyway, that's probably enough...